I don't know what I'm doing. There wasn't a manual for this.

I'm going to be 100% honest. I'm not sure what I'm doing. Sure I know what I'd like to do. And I have a million ideas. But work is crazy. Life is crazy. Everything is crazy.


So a little about me. I'm Ashley. That's my middle name. I'm one of those. I have a two year old son and 3 older step sons. The middle step son is graduating this year. The baby step son isn't too far behind him.


I'm the assistant manager at the bowling alley on an air force base. My manager just put in his two weeks. I am not applying for his job for two reasons: 1. When I left the guard I was placed in the IRR. The career counsellor called me when I was 6 month out. My dream MOS is open and available in the reserves just a few minutes down the road. 2. I feel like I am failing as an assistant manager. I can't ever get organized or stay on top of things. I'm always covering down. Honestly a lot of it is my fault because I'll volunteer myself to take on a lot more than I should so no one else has to.


My home life. Well...My husband and I live with my parents and my brother. Dad is having issues with mobility. My brother Chris has mild cerebral palsy. My mom was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. Most of the time my sense of failure at work carries over to my home life. Especially when I have to work long hours.


Some of you may also struggle with this hyper-awareness of depression cycles. Just knowing that if you ate better, or turned off your phone earlier in the evening or just didn't procrastinate that one task that has now grown to an unbearable amount, that you'd feel minutely better. I'd love to blame it on having a toddler. But I know that has nothing to do with it. I had developed some of these bad habits prior to having a kid.


I'd really like to break some of these bad habits. If I break them then in theory I can spend more quality time with Tristan. So sometime in the near future I'm going to create a schedule for myself. I've got a Happy Planner and some colorful pens. I'm going to start tackling the things I can control.


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